I've Decided:

If I have to fall in love again, it has to be with someone like you.

Someone that doesn’t let me get away with anything.

Girls that are too nice to me don't have my best interest in mind.

I’m going to pick up five things at once. I’m gonna be a pro gamer, a pro streamer, a programmer, a comic artist, and a poet. I’ve already set the deadlines for all my big projects. I’m already hiring artists to make the creatives. I’ve claimed all the social media handles. I’m learning how to edit videos. I’ve got a schedule in Google Drive. My debut is next week. Everyone is going to be there. No one is going to show up. I’m not going to follow the schedule. I’ll let my Photoshop subscription expire. I’ll pester the artists until they stop responding. I couldn’t finish any of the projects.

You’re going to let me do all of it, and you’re going to watch me fling dirt and mud all over the place while my wheels spin endlessly in the rut. Other people will tell me I am resourceful and creative and driven but you’ll be there sighing and rolling your eyes, because you’ve seen it all before.

You haven’t actually seen it before--you just know where it’s going. You don’t really know me, but you already do. I’ve given you everything but I don’t think you’ve even looked at it all. Your intuition and experiences read me so easily you don’t need to. One day you’ll read this and you’ll point out a typo or redundant phrasing. If you end up reading this, you don’t have to confront me about it--just treat it like an anonymous love letter.

You’re completely out of my reach, but I could have coaxed you to come closer. Pursuing you would have been madness. I’ve fantasized about pursuing you and how it would ruin everything for you. I could have been a bulldozer that demolished everything you hold dear. We’d have a great time with each other for a while. We’d make things work for a while. It would be great for a while until my mind starts wandering. “If you love something, give it away” means recognizing you’d end up worse after getting involved with me. You are living in the alternate universe where things went well for you. I decide too many things on my own. I used to think I knew my heart, but I might be wrong about everything.

I will be forced to continue practicing black magic on girls who let me do it to them. No one is forcing me but I have no other choice. 60% of them won’t let me do it to them. 40% of them are open to letting me do it to them, and within two weeks they will become like sandpaper against my soul. My dark arts will transform them into tepid mounds of flesh. There will be an exact moment when they become ingratiating, and that’s when I will have to dispose of them. But you’ll be different. You’ll never let it get there. You’ll see what I’m up to. You will roundhouse kick my legs and pull Aliexpress-bought rugs out from underneath me. I’ll know that you’re doing it and I’ll let it get to me a little. But I’ll be a good sport about it because you know how to be a good sport about it too. Mostly we’ll just have fun.

I have this friend who is a girl that I can talk to about politics and about dating people. We are comrades in the battle against love and the world. I showed her what you said to me that prompted me to write this whole thing. She totally gets where I’m coming from.